If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…