Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!