This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.