*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart