My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
LMAO.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
What the dentist sees
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?