BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
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*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER