Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
*puts my mental health in rice
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.