A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
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My current situation
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Very good news from my accountant
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Just parrot things
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.