Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.