Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t