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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Well, that should do it
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Come back with a warrant
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.