I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
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You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*watches the world burn*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
even bears disappoint their mothers
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.