Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
A roof is a house hat.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.