How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day