Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
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*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.