Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
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Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I feel it
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.