Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I have a place for everything. The floor.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients