Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
You Might Also Like
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.