*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
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That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.