wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I love the smell of relapse in the morning