My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.