(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Pigeon open mic night.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?