Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
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*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living