are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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this came to me in a vision
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print