I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
birds and squirrels envy us
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
🙅🏻
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST