Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito