if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement