I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock