I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
hamburger doesn’t need your help.