First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”