Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
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*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?