Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
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I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
🍞🦆
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson