no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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Europe. Made in Germany.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.