Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..