Who needs an Air Fryer?
You Might Also Like
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
grotesque if literal: baby food
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
who wore it better?