[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.