Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
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I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue