Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
sistine chapel
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker