ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
You Might Also Like
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.