I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.