righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.