Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
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How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
saw this in a dream
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Reporter: *ports again*
✌🏽
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me