My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
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This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Did I do this right
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.