They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
☠️☠️☠️
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo