Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise