Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.