glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.