Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…