Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
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Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.