IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
all bases covered
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.